Only the Lonely

And so today is Valentine's day. To be honest, I don't really understand the point of the whole celebration. Frankly, it seems to have been designed primarily for the purpose of making single people feel bad about themselves. But then what can you expect from people who think a bow and arrow is a perfectly appropriate plaything for a toddler? Anyway... I've thought of a number ways for single people to avoid the crippling feelings of loneliness that can accompany the 14th of February. Following my advice might just bring an element of romance back into your life:

Buy yourself a box of chocolates. If you don't like chocolate, buy yourself a bottle of Wild Turkey and spend the day sitting in the bathtub getting 'faced on mint juleps.

Watch a double-bill of When Harry Met Sally and Bridget Jones' Diary. Alternatively, watch Planet of the Apes. Nobody knows romance like Dr Zaius. And would I do Dr Zira? Well... Let's just say I wouldn't not do her.

The smell of fresh flowers can brighten up your day and make you feel alive. So why not buy yourself a bunch? If you can't afford flowers, buy a pack of Lucky Strikes. Lucky Strikes smell good too.

Porn. If you already spend a lot of time looking at porn, try gay porn. After all, routine is the enemy of romance. And you'll never understand those confusing feelings you have about Jimmy Smits if you don't explore them.

Two words: internet dating. It's not just for ugly people anymore. OK, you're right. It is. But you're not getting any younger and you should be glad to have anyone. And how come don't you call anymore? What, you're too busy? All of a sudden sitting on the couch in your underwear is a full-time job? By the way, your cousin Michael's a doctor now.

Take a long walk along the beach. If you don't live near a beach, try walking to a strip club. But not one of those expensive strip clubs where the women make lots of money and wear perfume and jewellery and have perfect posture and nice teeth. Lonely people can find solace in each other's company. And there's nothing lonelier than a 42-year old with scoliosis and BO who's just pawned her stripper boots to pay for a root canal.

Try speed dating. After all, it only takes a minute to fall in love. And some of those speed dating places give you free booze. But if you plan to drink, make sure you're going speed dating and not speed skating. 'Cos I heard about this guy in Canada... Long story short: he went speed skating with a bottle of Jaeger and now he's missing three feet of small intestine.

Don't spend the night at home eating dinner by yourself. Go to a nice restaurant. But don't go to a French restaurant. I know nobody does romance like the French, but last time I went to one it was a debacle: five minutes into the meal the salad nicoise surrendered to my brother's BMW keys and formed a puppet government. Then the beef bourguignon dug a hole and hid until a squadron of cheeseburgers from the local McDonald's made a heroic landing on the shores of the bouillabaisse and liberated it. There was ketchup everywhere. To make matters worse, the crème brulee spent the rest of the night meditating on the futility of existence and decrying the cultural imperialism of the English-speaking world. You know what I'm talking about, people: cheese-eating surrender monkeys. And they're kind of pretentious. And this has nothing to do with that French chick who wasn't interested in me. Seriously.

Read a nice romantic book. Try Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Or if that's not your thing, try Pride and Extreme Prejudice by Stone Cold Steve Austin.



From left to right: Stone Cold Steve Austin, Dr Zaius, Dr Zira, Jimmy Smits and the consequences of allowing children access to projectile weapons.