Butterflies Are Free

I don't know if it's just the fact that I'm getting older and harder of hearing, but lately I've noticed myself having difficulty following conversations. I find myself missing sentences and catching only snippets of dialogue. Deprived of context, making sense of the few random words I manage to understand during any given discussion can be a difficult task. I'm not sure why, but the problem seems to be particularly severe when I find myself chatting with people significantly older than me. There's one particular fellow at work who I am forever struggling to understand. Here are some examples of things I've (mis)heard from him during social events. For full effect, it's best to imagine the following words being said with an English accent by a distinguished-looking man in his late 60s:

'... And that was the first time I saw Jessica Tandy kill a man.'

'... So I said "The joke's on you, buddy. That's not my scrotum."'

'... No, I don't suppose the pope would have much use for a machete.'

'... Of course it's well known these days that Sir John Latham was Australia's most flatulent chief justice.'

'... Actually, studies indicate that blue cheese is a highly effective contraceptive.'

'... I guess Churchill won the argument, but D H Lawrence walked away with the aubergines.'

'... Well, I don't need to tell you we've been advising our clients to get out of the sharemarket and invest in binoculars.'

'... But what they don't teach you at Oxford is how to slaughter a goat.'

'... And right on cue, in walks the Home Secretary with a set of bagpipes and a trowel.'

'... So I said "Oh... I guess my Lexus will just find its own way out of that hedge maze, will it?"'

'... But what nobody tells you about Ted Kennedy is that the man can't ice-skate for beans!'

'... Yes, we had a fellow like that at Eton. Just could not walk away from a chainsaw.'

'... Back when I was a boy, this land was nothing but lizard sanctuaries as far as the eye could see.'

'... Any man who tells you a Jaguar will float simply doesn't know what he's talking about.'

'... What irritates me isn't that the Portuguese can't build a time machine. It's that they won't.'

'... Do you speak Sumerian? Because the office really could use someone who speaks Sumerian.'

'... So I said "Look... If Cousteau wants a fight to the death, he knows where to find me."'

'... Of course back then you had to smoke opium or you'd risk losing your scholarship.'