Chips Funklord: Man of the People

Let it never be said that I don't respond to public demand. Some days ago loyal follower Saxtim suggested that I should find some way to fuse my commercially unappealing interest in history and politics with the far more lucrative world of pornography. Never one to ignore a creative suggestion, I today announce the formation of XXX Officio, the world's first production company devoted solely to the development, production and publication of politically- and historically-themed pornographic material. As of press time tonight, XXX Officio already has one film in the works. The film, currently bearing the working title Impeached!, has a target release date of September 2009.

From the company's press release:

Impeached! tells the story of Peaches Delacroix, a plucky southern belle who escapes Atlanta in the summer of 1864, just weeks before the climactic Battle of Jonesborough that would serve as the decisive turning point of the Civil War (and later as the backdrop for the 1939 film Gone With the Wind). Peaches is taken in by Major General John Schofield's Army of the Tennessee and sees out the war performing favours for Union soldiers and officers. Highlights of the film's first act include a slow-motion money shot delivered by General William Tecumseh Sherman at the Battle of Lovejoy's Station.

Peaches' dalliances with prominent Northern officers enable her to blackmail her way into the corridors of power. At the cessation of hostilities she departs Georgia for the Nation's capital. Sadly, she arrives in Washington on 15 April 1865, the day of President Lincoln's death. The Nation's grief at the loss of its sixteenth President and the radical abolitionists' despair at the premature death of their dream of racial equality are brought to life through a heartwrenching dream-sequence in which Peaches fellates Frederick Douglass to the strains of a haunting solo-piano arrangement of The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Honouring the memory of the Great Emancipator, Peaches takes a prominent role in Reconstruction-era politics, building support for the integration of freed slaves into the industrial workforce and publicly advocating women's suffrage. A passionate three-way between Peaches, Harriet Beecher Stowe and Susan B Anthony marks the climax of the film's second act.

Peaches' uncompromising politics earn her a position in the administration of President Andrew Johnson. Johnson's impeachment in 1868 forms the backdrop of the film's third act, in which Peaches uses her feminine wiles to persuade Republican Senators to vote against articles of impeachment presented by the House of Representatives. The Johnson administration is saved by the votes of dissenting Republican Senators William Fessenden, Joseph Fowler, James Grimes, John Henderson, Lyman Trumbull, Peter van Winkel and Edmund Ross. Have the senators cast their votes out of conscience or have incriminating daguerreotypes of an eight-way legislative f*ckfest subverted the democratic will? Perhaps we shall never know.

Impeached!: Article II, Section 4 of the Constitution of the United States of America just got a whole lot sexier.



From left to right: John Schofield, Susan B Anthony, Frederick Douglass, Andrew Johnson.

I think the film has a reasonable chance of attracting a hitherto untapped crossover market of porn-loving American history lecturers.